Lessons from a recovering control freak
I was at Target this weekend with a former student, his mom, and his younger sister — let’s call her Jill. Jill was really excited and jumping up and down in the parking lot. As we walked toward the store, a woman in her car took it upon herself to scream out the window at Jill. It was an extremely unfortunate experience for all of us — myself, the mom of my former student, my former student, Jill, and my two kids. This woman was using nasty language, screaming, and appeared seconds away from getting out of her car…This woman was having a tantrum.
The mom of the family I was with is not confident in her English, so if anyone was going to respond to this woman, it would have been me. But rather than responding, calmly or crazily, I decided to keep my mouth shut. I knew I didn’t want to look/sound like this woman, but I also couldn’t formulate my thoughts quickly enough to respond in a calm way before she sped off.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this scene in the parking lot since it happened. Somehow, I was able to stay calm and not inappropriately verbalize how I felt on the inside. I exhibited self control — the very same self control I have been working with Keener on recently. And this was a good reminder of how hard it can be to exhibit self control. It also had me thinking — why was I able to stay calm during this encounter yet flip out on my own children earlier that day when they wouldn’t put their shoes on?
Last’s week post has had my wheels turning nonstop. Staying calm in the face of misbehavior, high energy, disobedience, and noncompliance is hard. On paper, it’s completely obvious:
- I don’t want to act out of control
- I won’t actually feel better by acting on my emotions
- I want to model for my children how to appropriately handle big emotions (anger, frustration, disappointment, etc.)
- I do my best thinking/problem solving when I’m calm
So why, in the moment, am I overcome with emotions? Why do I resort to “GET IN THE CAR!! How many times have I told you? STOP!!!” Because it’s just not that simple. Emotions and feelings are strong and real and keeping them in check is a real challenge, whether we are interacting with our kids, with co-workers, with strangers, or with ourselves.
Top 10 Strategies for Developing Self Control
So where do we go from here? After spying on myself, I realized I have been trying the following ways to maintain, and model, increased self control:
- Being more aware of how I want to react. My goal is to stay calm. I certainly don’t always attain it, but having it as a goal has been a productive first step.
- Taking a pause/deep breath before saying anything.
- Biting my tongue. Sometimes less is more. Saying only I’m disappointed and then waiting can be more powerful than overloading my kids with rambling language.
- Stating how I feel, without displaying heightened emotions. What you just did makes me feel angry. I am extremely frustrated.
- Modeling how I am using self control. I am feeling angry. Instead of yelling, I’m going to take a deep breath and take a little space. I’m going to take 5 deep breaths before I respond to what you are doing. (Can you imagine how incredible it would be if your kids said and did that?)
- Noticing patterns. Is there a particular time of day that I am frequently feeling frustrated with my kids? Or is there a particular event that is continuously challenging? (i.e. getting shoes on, getting in the car, taking a bath, etc.). I want to focus my time and efforts on situations that happen often, not one off events. In our house, Keener has been spiraling at bedtime since dropping his nap. I will be sharing more regarding changes we are making but let me say, we have been throwing lots of cotton balls!
- When emotions do strike, changing my goal for the moment. The “heat of the moment” is not a productive teaching time (have you ever learned an important lesson when you were exhausted/crying/hyper?) Instead, my goal is for my kids and me to return to a calm state, not impose my wisdom in that moment.
- Finding other peaceful times of the day, such as in the car, while playing, or at meals to brainstorm/teach/discipline (see post about discipline as heart training) about the challenges we are facing. Keener, I noticed that at bedtime, you have a harder time controlling your body. Mommy was really disappointed when you threw all of her pillows onto the floor last night. I know you are tired since you have stopped napping. Let’s brainstorm some other options of things you can throw before we take a shower.
- Reminding myself that all behavior is communication. When my children misbehave, I’ve been thinking about what my children are trying to communicate to me. Recently for Keener, it has been a combination of looking for a thrill, seeking connection/attention, wanting to be physical, and trying to communicate that he is exhausted.
- Understanding the difference between being calm and being passively accepting of behavior. Being passive is accepting or allowing what is happening without active response or resistance. Being calm means not showing strong emotions. I am not “allowing” the behavior by staying calm. I am reacting to what happens without showing strong emotions so that I can model “big feelings” while maintaining a clear head.
For the record, I just told Keener he had 15 more minutes of quiet time and he responded, “OK Stinky Mommy…” Stay cool mama. Stay cool.